A bumpy road

It’s so weird (shit) this cancer journey. Lately I had some really great news, my MRI showed my tumour is shrinking. So that’s pretty much the best news I could ever get. And for about two weeks I felt on top of the world, it gave me such a boost mentally and physically. Then weirdly in the last week I have felt just awful. Things that would normally make me happy have made me feel angry and I’m finding myself jealous of other people’s seemingly perfect lives (need to get of Facebook for a while). I know no one else’s life is perfect, but I guess when you have cancer it’s easy to think that, comparatively, it is. It’s a bit like when someone dies, people look out for you intensely for a few months and then they return to their lives, while you continue with your sadness. Maybe I’m pushing myself too hard physically and getting frustrated that I can’t do what I used to do. I’m not too sure what has brought on these feelings, but it might be that it’s coming up to my mum’s birthday and she’s not here anymore to support me like only a mum can. I was away in Tasmania for a weekend with a good friend recently and she reminded me that it’s okay to say you’re struggling and that you don’t have to paint a picture perfect portrait of dealing with cancer. Looking back on my blog posts I realised that maybe I have been doing that. And I would hate for someone else in my position to read the posts and think less of themselves. Because the reality is, while most of the time I am super positive and focussed on getting better, there are times when I just miss my mum, feel completely lost, scared and sad. So I guess that’s why I’m writing this. I know I’ll get back to feeling better soon and it’s just a bump in the road … but it sure is a fucking bumpy road!

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